The Lost Post.

I just found this on my computer and it got me thinking...I don't even have close to the same mindset that I did when I was preparing to leave the voyage. I want to be back in that optimistic, conquer-the-world type of frame of mind...

Literally, in a matter of hours, we will be in Norfolk, VA awaiting the debarking process to hurry itself the heck up so we can greet families, go to hotels, jump in a car, or fly either to our homes or to school. For the past few days, I’ve tried to block out the idea of going home as much as I possibly could. As much as I can’t wait to get home, I don’t want to leave. Over the past couple of days, I have spent 99% of my day with my friends as usual, only this time we’re not rushing around and frantic about classes and everything…for once, we’re living in the moment. We’re all ready to get home I can soundly say, but at the same time, we’re dreading the idea of the goodbyes and tears that go along with that.

Yesterday I went to a seminar put on by our shipboard counselors about having more to unpack than just your bags when you get home. I had heard that the transition home is almost more difficult than the transition to come here and to go to the different countries that we have. They began by telling us how hard going home is going to be because we’ve changed so much on this trip whether it is evident or not. Midway through the presentation, I realized that this was making me scared to go home. They told us how we would probably be emotional and have excessive amounts of anxiety. I also realized how good it was that I am looking at the aspects of my re-entry that may be difficult now instead of getting slapped with it in the face as soon as I get back into the swing of ‘normal life’ away from our ship.

We’ve found ourselves being emotional and anxious and reminiscent and vulnerable between yesterday and today. Last night we had our Ambassador’s Ball where we got dressed up, had a five-course meal, looked back on the voyage, and danced the night away. I have absolutely no problem saying that it was definitely one of the best last nights we could have had here. As much as I dislike dances and have bad memories of high school dances, this wasn’t anything like what I went to in high school in many regards. But at the same time, it was exactly like high school. We were all in Emily and Lindsay’s room, straightening and doing each other’s hair and makeup too. We ran late of course and left the boy of our table, Paul, waiting for us. We took pictures, laughed, toasted, and talked.

This morning at breakfast, we were sitting there and lately we have been saying how, “This is going to be the last time we…” just to make the pain a little deeper. We were done eating and sitting there talking as usual when we saw one of the faculty’s sons, Peter, running over to one of the waiters. I had just commented on how he was my favorite and that it was probably the last time I’d see him. He was always the one that made me smile in the morning when he’d say, “Good morning ma’am, you want juice?” Peter gave him a card and a hug and told him how the kids were making cards for all of the waiters. It touched my heart in a way that I seriously can’t describe. I teared up and even though my friends acted like they didn’t notice, I knew they did. For those of you who know me, you know one thing I hate doing most is crying. I’ve been telling my friends here for months that I don’t cry in front of people and that I will run away from them in Virginia before I shed a tear when I’m with them. Well, they saw me shed the first of many tears to come. I’ve choked up multiple times over the past few days and know that there’s a good chance that I’ll be crying tonight at our final pre-port.

I can’t remember if I’ve explained this at all or not throughout my travels, but before each country we have had a pre-port at 2000 in the Union where we get a green sheet and a talk about the new place that we’re preparing to experience. Green sheets are simply a sheet of paper with all of the SAS trips that are arranged and what day and time they are, along with phone numbers of pretty much anyone you could ever need to reach on the ship, in Virginia, or in the country that we were in, along with port information, some useful language information, and general tips that were useful. At our pre-port before Morocco, one of the Assistant Deans, Dia, started choking up being that it was the last country we were going in to. At that time it felt like we still had forever until we would be back in the states. Now, we’re preparing to cross back into American water, our classes are done, and we officially graduated from Semester at Sea this afternoon.

I’ve never had so many mixed emotions in my life. I’m scared that I won’t stay in touch with the friends that I’ve made here. I know that if we want to stay in touch we will, but the truth is, that isn’t always the case. The thing is, when you’re not with someone constantly and don’t have the constant reminders of that person they start to fade and you get caught up in the present instead of the past. I guess I’ve just gotten used to the idea of not talking to friends after awhile because of how frequently that has happened with me. It’s kind of just an unwritten fact that it is going to happen. This time, I’m more scared than ever.

Along with being scared, I’m sad. I love so many things about Semester at Sea and this ship. We were talking about if we’d be able to hop onto the next voyage (Fall, which is starting in about a week), and the practical side of me says, “No way, there’s no way I could do that. I have school starting in just a few days, my tuition is paid, my classes are scheduled, I have a job, and I have things that I just have to get back to.” The side of me that has been touched and affected by Semester at Sea says, “Hell yeah, anything to keep me on this boat and to let these feelings and memories last forever…sign me up.” But the reality of it is it wouldn’t be the same at all. My friends wouldn’t be here, my professors wouldn’t be here, our staff wouldn’t be here, and even a lot of the crew has left on their breaks for a few months. As much as I’d love to travel all around the world on this beautiful ship and meet new people again and go on even more adventures, I’m never going to have my first voyage again. I love the familiarity of the ship. I love how we talk about the fact that the first day we were on here none of us thought there was any way we’d learn which stairwell would take you where and heck, we didn’t even know that there was a 2nd floor let alone how to get down there.

And on the other hand, I’m excited. I’m so happy to get home and I’ve already envisioned seeing my family and friends again when I get there. I’m not exactly ready to get back to school yet, but I can’t wait to move into my apartment and start the next chapter in my life. And along with that, I can’t wait to look into traveling even more. I was told that I’d get a travel bug once I started and there is no doubt that I have it bad. I was looking at a world map today and Paul and I were pointing out all of the places that we wanted to go. I can’t wait to see what else the world has to offer.

I’m also worried that nothing is ever going to live up to what I experienced this summer. Let’s face it, (not to sound like I’m bragging) but I did things this summer that most people only dream of. I did things this summer that I thought that I’d only ever dream of. I never imagined that I’d spend a single summer traveling to 10 different countries. I also never thought I’d see the things I did…ever. Everyday here was always a new adventure for us. We never knew what to expect and there was something new around every single corner. At home, things are familiar and monotonous. A girl at the re-entry seminar said that one of her professors told her to just keep looking at things with the perspective that we had this whole summer. Just because things are familiar doesn’t mean that there aren’t new things there and that there aren’t adventures waiting to happen. I hope that I can continue those feelings and make the most out of every day that I have.

Finally, I’m ready. Coming from this huge adventure, I feel like I’m ready to conquer the world and make my way in life. I want to do new things and have exciting experiences. This trip has made me want to expand my horizons and see all that I can. As soon as I get home and can google things again, I’m looking up different volunteering opportunities, buying all new music, and researching and reading about places I’ve been, things I’ve seen, and places and things that I want to see. There’s so much out there in the world and you never know how long you have. If I’ve learned anything on this trip, it’s that you can’t wait for the world because it’s waiting for you. Nothing is ever going to get better unless you make it happen. You can just sit around waiting for things to be different, because chances are they’re waiting for you to change them. If people aren’t who you thought they were look for other ones who are what you want. Don’t just sit around because it’s not going to do anything. Don’t rely so much on Facebook to give you all the juicy gossip and wait for texts from your friends telling you what new big thing happened from that girl you met on SAS. It doesn’t matter. There are so many more things to be doing with your time and nothing is going to change unless you yourself change it. There is nothing holding you back. Age is but a number and if you want to do something make it happen.

I love my life. I love my ship. I love my home. I love the United States. I love my freedom. I love my heritage. I love my God. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my past. I love my present. I love my future. I love my abilities. I love my talents. I love my flaws. I love the world. I love the people who inhabit it. I love myself.

Stop waiting for answers…go out there and find them on your own.